


How Would The World Change?

by LoneWolf_With_Internet



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, M/M, References to Depression, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-24 11:10:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10740507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoneWolf_With_Internet/pseuds/LoneWolf_With_Internet
Summary: "Don't you ever wonder how the world would change the day you disappeared?"The tale in which Makkachin had been the beloved pet to pass away before the Grand Prix Final. Little did anyone know that that would be the straw that broke the camel's back and reveal so much more than anyone was ready for.





	How Would The World Change?

_Don’t you ever wonder how the world would change the day you disappeared? Would anything change even the smallest bit? Would the world stop to mourn the loss of a human such as yourself? Would there even be the smallest glimmer of sadness settling over?_

 

_Most likely not. Not in my case anyway; or at least not in the way I would hope._

 

_But that would be nice, no? To have someone wish you were there beside them, to have someone grieve over your absence, to have someone reach out to the stars and pray to the heavens to get one last chance to hold your hand. It would be nice to have at least one person miss you so dearly that they can’t think of a way to function without you._

 

_But the thing is, it would’ve been nice to know how others felt before now. To know that someone did love you, that there was someone who cherished your times together and wished that they would never end. To feel warm arms embrace you in greeting or in parting, to hear words of true affection and not empty praise. To have a genuine connection with someone as opposed to being held on a pedestal where your only true friend is loneliness and depression._

 

_No one thinks about these things until it’s far too late. That’s the problem in this world; no one truly cares to delve into the minds of others and see how desperate they are deep within. How they feel like they’re slowly drowning because of the one thing that used to bring them joy. How the prying eyes and fading cheers only make things worse because, as much as the media loves to glorify the life of fame, it takes away your privacy, your safe space, the one place you could be alone to dwell on your thoughts alone and in peace. It eats at your body, tears at your mind, smashes through the fragile walls you once built up to protect yourself._

 

_It’s ultimately the cause of your demise._

 

_Even with your privacy stripped away, leaving you bare to the public, you can’t help but feel alone, vulnerable. And with the thoughts of feeling feigned love and false friendship, where else can you run and hide? And when the one being you felt was a true friend passes away…_

 

_That’s the last I could take. A world without your only hope, a world where the only love you’ve felt is ripped away from you, that’s a world I don’t want to live in. I tried, but I failed. I attempted to protect my heart, but alas it is composed of glass and was far too easily shattered._

 

_I could've dealt with it a little longer if I had tried harder, as there was a small glimmer of hope burning in my chest that I would eventually find someone that made me feel alive again, make me feel like I had long ago. But losing my best friend had been the last straw, and I simply couldn’t handle it anymore._

 

_So this is my farewell to the world, a place that had been delightful and inviting on the surface only to be jagged and harsh underneath. I’m not needed, at least that’s how you all made it seem._

 

_~V_

 

* * *

 

As many of you may have found out by now, the tragic news of Victor Nikiforov’s departure was a shock to not only the world of figure skating, but to the world as a whole. In his heartfelt goodbye letter, we saw a side of Nikiforov that no one would have expected to exist. Who would have thought that living legend, or now simply a legend, Victor Nikiforov was suffering with such severe inner demons and troubles? Had been so corrupted by our world to be pushed into doing such a thing?

 

Let this be a reminder to the rest of the world to be grateful of those around us and to show our love to others because, even if someone may seem fine on the outside we still can’t read their minds and see what struggles they’re facing.

 

Yakov Feltsman has announced that a memorial service will be held for Nikiforov just two days after the Grand Prix Final in his hometown, St. Petersburg, Russia. I encourage everyone who can attend to do so. Let us show Nikiforov our endless love from below and hope he can still see from the stars.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri stared at his laptop screen for an eternity, the words gradually growing more blurry by the second until finally the tears fell. He was silent at first, his teeth digging into the skin of his hand until he tasted metal, the tears trailing down his cheeks and drenching the table beneath. He didn’t know how long he sat there, tears caressing his cheeks and teeth marking his skin, all he knew was that his once quiet and composed tears grew into uncontrolled sobs and pitiful whimpers. Wiping his eyes to see better only to be blinded within the next second, gasping for breath only to lose more oxygen. It was useless. _He_ had been useless.

 

It took some time before Yuuri calmed down but he didn’t know how long -- ten, fifteen, thirty minutes? An hour? Two? Who knew any more…

 

There was a knock at his door. He ignored it. It sounded again after a few seconds pause only for him to turn away from the sound, burying his head in his arms regardless of the glasses still perched on his nose. He didn’t want to see his coach, he didn’t want to see his friend, he didn’t want to see anyone, he simply wanted to be alone.

 

The tears returned but far more tame than last time, less of Yuuri making pitiful sounds and more watching the droplets fall in perfect circles to land on the table below. There was already a small puddle forming and it would only continue to grow, but at the moment Yuuri couldn’t have cared any less about the moisture. He was too heartbroken to care about anything at that point. All he wanted to do was curl up beneath a mountain of covers and disappear for awhile.

 

Another hour passed and by this point Yuuri only felt numb. Perhaps it was the amount of crying he had done, maybe it had worn him out and depleted him of his energy. Maybe it was the fact that the news hit him all over again but now he could only stare sadly at the blank wall, reminded of his own back home that had been decorated with the very face he knew he would never get to see in person again. And do nothing, because that’s all he could do anymore. Nothing.

 

Yuuri found himself glancing over to the perfectly made hotel bed, the only imperfection being the small bouquet of blue roses resting gently against the pillows as if they’d break otherwise. The person they were meant for already had…

 

Another choked sob escaped his throat but no tears came, only the ugly noises being the sign of a new crying episode. This time, Yuuri stared at the roses the entire time; not at the table he had been eating at or the computer screen or even the wall. Blue roses, that’s what he saw. While no tears were present, this had to have been the worst he had cried that night, staring at the flowers in utter loss as to what to do now. He had planned to use them tomorrow, when it was time to get up and go practice before the short programme. Yet now he would never get the chance. If only he had planned this sooner, maybe he could’ve helped. Could’ve had a role in preventing it, but what’s to say he didn’t play a role in provoking it?

 

Another sob, another hour.

 

It was late, surely, by the time Yuuri felt he was too tired to cry again, now only staring blankly at the bouquet. Perhaps if he’d built up the courage to do this a month ago, or three, or even last year. Something could’ve changed.

 

But he was too anxious, yet too selfish all the same, too focused on himself and his own issues to take note of the other suffering. Maybe if he had acted sooner they could’ve fought this together, but it was far too late to know anymore.

 

Simply looking at the roses now filled him with dread. Originally, he had been ecstatic when he bought them, smiling from ear to ear as he walked through the door to his hotel room and gently placed them on his pillows to deal with later, for the time being being held in safe keeping on the soft blankets and fluffy pillows. Giddy when he thought of how to give them to Victor the following morning, and blushing when he thought of asking him on a date. He had stared at the flowers for an entire hour after he bought them, his excitement never diminishing even through the stretch of time.

 

Now he could hardly look at them without feeling his stomach churn and bile rise in his throat.

 

In a sudden burst of energy, Yuuri stood up from the chair the hotel provided and stalked over to the bed, harshly ripping the roses from their place of rest to toss them into the trash bin. Loose petals found their way into the air with the violent motion, gently floating down to land on the surrounding floor by the trash. But Yuuri didn’t care anymore, he turned away and never looked back at the bouquet.

 

* * *

  
  
The next day, when the short programs were ready to begin, it was no surprise that the atmosphere turned sour and gloomy. The most prominent figure in men’s skating was missing and would never turn up, but it only grew colder when the audience and other skaters alike noticed that Yuuri was missing too.

**Author's Note:**

> ~~This is in no way romanticizing suicide, the reason I had his ending was because your suicide can affect many others in different ways, and some may feel so strongly that it's their own fault that they act in the way Yuuri did. This is not Romeo and Juliet in any way~~


End file.
